Words From The Relatives....A Chinese New Year tradition.

It's fecking 5.30 am on a bloody Tuesday morning and I have no idea why I'm awake. One moment I'm sleeping like a baby, another moment, I'm awake. I can't get back to sleep, and it's pissing me off.

Oh yeah....did I tell you, it's most likely becaue of a spawn of Satan himself mosquito who found it nice and warm under the blanket all night.

Biatch.

So I've spent like 30 minutes trying to hunt that blood sucking bastard, and the damn coward's gone and hid somewhere.

Nevermind.....the time will come....the time will come...*takes another drag from his cigarette*



Well... Chinese New Year's gone by, and there's been the usual;
a) Food
b) Alcohol
c) Gambling
d) Relatives....lots of them.

I've got no problem with the first 3, but nobody is safe from the nosy-yet-trying-to-be-helpful relative....or anyone actually. It seems that everyone's got an opinion of your love life/choice of partner. Every 5 minutes, I'm getting the 'When are you going to settle down' or 'Why are you still single' question. Usually while they look at you funny and wonder what's wrong with you....being single and all.

(strange....it's usually the life long single 'aged' women who especially like asking these questions....while looking at you funny too)

Here are just a few bits of 'friendly advice' on what to look for in a girlfriend/wife;

a) Not too skinny
b) Not too fat

c) Not too clingy
d) Not too independant

e) Works for her money
f) Not too obsessed with work

g) Not too quiet
h) Not too talkative

i) Not too tall
j) Not too short

k) Not too old
l) Not too young

m) Not too dumb
n) Not too smart

o) Not too introverted
p) Not too extroverted

q) Not too fair
r) Not too dark

So there you have it. Ancient wisdom from old chinese females.

Strange....they never mentioned things like a sense of humour, the ability to click, and love. 3 very important aspects of any relationship.
And my own personal one stop thought experiment;

Would I be able to wake up next to the person every single day for the rest of my life without going insane.



So the question is.......

Why would you take advice from old bints who've been single all their lives?

Death To The Flowers!!!!

Whoopee...Today is Valentine's Day. The day where normally sane and intelligent people act like fecking pot smoking, Carebears!!! It's a fecking scam by those suits in Hallmark to make a huge ass profit while making single people feel like crap.

Couples hugging, and rubbing noses (with that irritating look on their faces) while repeating Valentine mantras like ..."Happy Valentines Day my snuggy-wuggy-munchkin."

It's enough to make one puke up your breakfast from 2 weeks ago while trying to stab BOTH your ears with a pencil at the same time (you heard me!!...ONE frigging pencil!!).

And how about them restaurant prices. Jacking up their prices just for this supposed human mating season. It's bloody discrimination I tell you! A single person can't get something to eat at a reasonable price just because of those guys who're thinking they're going to get good animalistic loving tonight just because he bought her a posh meal (and probably tried to get her drunk) while sacrificing a dead piece of flora (aka some innocent flower...who was probably minding it's own business before it got cut off in it's prime) and maybe pieces of sparkly rocks (if she's lucky it's a REAL diamond...not a kidney stone).

The whole of today I've been thinking that I'm the only sane person left in this city today. I'm probably bitching because I'm single (and I haven't gotten any in a fecking long time). On the bright side, at least I'm not spending insane amounts of money on flowers that will die, diamonds that'll get misplaced and a girl that'll probably leave me.

Yes...I'm still in the world of the sane....but if I ever do get a girlfriend....I hope I don't succumb to this pheromone driven day.... I hope I never spend the GDP of Albania on a flower, a meal, a rock and maybe a dress.....

But if I do.......

The sex better be bloody worth it.



Valentine's Day Dinner : $500
Overpriced Flowers : $150

finding out you aren't getting laid : priceless

there are some things money can buy.
for everything else there's MasturBate.